1. Disneyworld’s Speedway is much more exciting if you let go of the wheel and don’t steer. But you may need an Advil after.
2. The Disney Magical Express bus from the airport is neither magical, nor express. But it is free.
3. There’s a reason there’s no line for Splash Mountain when it’s 10 a.m. and 60 degrees.
4. If you tell your husband to pack the ponchos for Splash Mountain, make sure he actually does it.
6. The Space Mountain line has really cool video games to play while you wait, but they won’t work when you’re actually waiting in line, only when you’re rushing through in the first half hour of the day.
7. The strangest sight in the Disney hotel gift shop is the liquor cabinet behind the cashier.
8. If you sing along during the Beauty and the Beast show, your kids won’t talk to you the rest of the day. Maybe this isn’t such a bad thing.
9. If your husband tells your daughter “these are the types of jobs you’ll get if you don’t go to college” while touring the parks, she will repeat this phrase continuously throughout the trip – loud enough for the employees to hear.
10. If your son won’t high five the first Disney cast member to try, he won’t do it for the next 15 over three days either. He’ll just look at you and giggle.
11. If you drag your kids away from the live animals at Animal Kingdom, in order to watch people dressed up as animals at the Lion King show, you’ll feel like a terrible parent.
12. The Hall of Presidents is just as boring for your kids, as it was for you at their age.
13. Your kids won’t like it when you sing “Yo ho ho ho, a pirate’s life for me” during the entire Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Nor will the people sitting around you.
14. You’ll realize you need to get out more, when your 9 year old complains about all the “fancy dinners” you’re eating. But the only thing fancy about them is that you sit down and order from a menu.
15. I still got it goin’ on. I beat Mark all three times in Astro Blasters. Look at that “Galactic Hero” sign below me. Mark is just a “star cadet.” Oh yeah.